Back to normality?

Jimmie and Annabelle have gone back to school and life is returning back to it's normal routine again. Except that tomorrow I'm flying to England to visit some old school friends for a few days. I'm sooooo over excited about it. I've been putting off booking it until I could walk again, and somewhere along the line I lost my motivation for it. But now that I've spoken to a few friends who seem very excited to see me again, I've gained some enthusiasm back and can't wait to go now.

Barney is adamant that he wants to start a play group so I am going to have to look into that today. He reminds me every morning about it. I didn't sign him up for nursery school this year so he just stays at home with me at the moment.

Last week I took them all for a walk round Hillsborough Lake. We didn't walk very far due to my foot still healing and it being the first time I'd walked anywhere. Dan also took them to the Aquarium for a trip. We feel as if they had a rather dull summer as I was on crutches and unable to take them anywhere. Here are some photos from those two trips....

Three pics from Hillsborough Lake. Jimmi and Annabelle make a see-saw. The kids are treated to an ice cream (btw I think the pic at the top of Banrey covered in ice cream is just adorable).

A silhouette of them all playing by the lake. These pics were all taken on my phone, hence the less than perfect quality.

And here are some from the Aquarium...

Still broken footed and deaf

Grrr, this morning I had my 6 week review at the hospital, for my broken toes. I got there at 8.30am and was taken in for an x-ray. Then I stood (no seats left) for about 40 minutes and waited to be seen. My foot is still sore, but I'm not on crutches any more. It hurts if I stand too long, or if I knock my toes at all, but I expected them to tell my it was all fine and send me on my way home. To my surprise everything is not fine. Two of my toes are still broken. The doctor thought the x-ray he was looking at was my original one taken 6 weeks ago, but no it was today's x-ray. That explains why its still sore then. He said there is some mild improvement, but they are healing very slowly (I wonder if I did re-break them that time I stabbed my foot against the coffee table?) They are going to see me again in 8 weeks, but he warned me that it looks like they may not heal. I don't know if that means I will have two dead broken toes for the rest of my life, or if they will try to fix them. He has warned me against any belly dancing and told me to stop banging them against things. Easier said than done when you have feet like flippers. I nearly wet myself laughing when I told the doctor that I wanted to carry on belly dancing. He looked me up and down and seemed rather amused, till I realised he thought I'd said ballet dancing. Whahaha. Anyway, he said absolutely no belly dancing. I didn't tell him about the dance session I'd had in the kitchen yesterday to the tunes of Metallica, hehe.

Oh yes, I just remembered, I forgot to tell you about the appointment I had last week about my ears and the pulsatile tinnitus. You remember I had a scan on my neck some months back? Well, I finally had an appointment with the ENT consultant regarding that. The carotid artery in my neck is rather deformed and they seem sure that this is creating a kind of back lash of blood which is making a lot of noise, which is audible to me. They were most delighted to have found a cause for my symptoms, as most people never find out what is causing it. I thought the consultant was going to do a little dance of joy at one moment. Anyway, they could operate to fix the artery, but, the operation is so extremely risky that they would really only consider it if the tinnitus noises were making me suicidal (which they aren't, but I hear that can happen to some people). They are putting me in touch with a therapist who is supposed to be on call to counsel me when the noises are just too bad. I highly doubt I will ever avail of those services. But, I have an appointment next week at the hearing aid department. Yes, that's right, hearing aid. They want to try to fit this special hearing aid that emits a sound into the ear. The sound is at a pitch that works with the sound I'm already hearing. The theory is that the two noises cancel each other out, or that my ear is retrained to hear differently. It all sounds like utter nonsense to me, but hey, I may as well give it a try. It will be interesting if nothing else. On the positive side, I'm also getting a special pillow with inbuilt speakers that plug into an mp3 or cd player. Now this sounds cool. A musical pillow. The idea is that the speakers are audible to the person sleeping on them, but not the person next to you. The only problem will be chosing music that helps me sleep, rather than the heavy metal stuff I mostly listen to.

Boys, you gotta love em

Photo Update

Well, I haven't added any photos for some time so I thought I'd pop a few on whilst I'm sitting here unable to sleep. I've got loads to blog about. I just need to find some spare minutes.

Daddy & Barney looking cool. Barney loves to take walks in the graveyard behind our house. Barney finds a huge brand new shiny tractor.

Tea towel boy at Aunty Hannahs house. Barney has taken to building lots of towers with his blocks. Jimmie and his first girlfriend. Awwwwwww. Annabelle and Barney in matching Thailand outfits from nanny. Cute.

Battle Of The Wills

Barney is an unusual child. Everyone who knows him knows he is extremely exhausting and very hard work. He's a beautiful child, but boy does he ware me out.

At the moment we are having a battle of the wills. There are certain issues with Barneys behaviour that I am trying to resolve, or develop or balance out. But at the moment it feels like banging my head against a brick wall. For instance, trying to teach him that he can not hit or kick his brothers and sisters if they wont do what he asks, or that he is not allowed to slam doors when he is having a tantrum, or that he has to sit at the table with the family at dinner time, all seem impossible to overcome. His older brother and sister were never this difficult. But he is a different child. He talks incessantly. Every waking moment he talks, non stop. I have tried to tell him that its time for some quiet time now before Mummy goes insane. But then he constantly asks why he cant talk, or can he talk yet, "but I want to talk", "but Mummy", and on and on it goes, a battle of the wills.

Jimmie and Annabelle always had a natural understanding that their parents were in charge. If I bought them some sweets and said "these are for after dinner tonight" they would have been delighted and looked forward to them. If I do the same thing with Barney he would immediately have a tantrum and be completely unable to cope with the fact that he had to wait. A whole day would be spent telling him "no, you can't have them till after dinner". It makes life miserable. If I had told Annabelle or Jimmie at that age that they had to put their toys away, or take a bath, or put their shoes on to go to the shops, they would have done it, as asked. Barney constantly questions and challenges everything. He will say "no", and argue for hours. He never ever gives in.

Right now he is downstairs at the table on his own. I told him he had to try his mushy peas as they were his only vegetable with today's meal. He simply would not taste them. It ended up as a screaming match with him saying he'd rather go to bed than try them. I have left him at the table and told him not to come up until they are all gone (literally two spoonfuls), yet he has found about 8 excuses to come up already, even though he knows he will be in big trouble. His siblings would have sat there, albeit miserably, until they were gone. They never would have dreamed of questioning my authority on the matter.

This child is trying me to very ends of my patience. There are days I just want to pack a bag and never come back. But I love him to bits. He is adorable, affectionate, smart, and completely unique. I can't put into words what he is like, but there is something different about him, something challenging. I just don't know how to help him. There is something in his understanding that makes treating him like a normal 3 year old nearly impossible. I wish I had the words to explain it.

Anais Nin

There were always in me, two women at least,

one woman desperate and bewildered,

who felt she was drowning and another who

would leap into a scene, as upon a stage,

conceal her true emotions because they

were weaknesses, helplessness, despair,

and present to the world only a smile,

an eagerness, curiosity, enthusiasm, interest.

Anais Nin, 1903-1977

What I love about Sam

Sam is one of the most beautiful people on this planet, in so many ways. The fact that he is alive makes this planet a whole better place. From the day he was born we all knew he was going to be a charmer. He has always been one of the friendliest, most easy going people I’ve ever known.

Of course, he’s my son, so I will love him to bits, naturally. But I love the person he is, and the person he is becoming for many more reasons than simply because he is my son. Beautiful is not a strong enough word to describe him. And the love I feel for him can not be put into words either.

Sam is caring. Every time I have tried to walk down the stairs on crutches since I broke my feet 3 weeks ago, he has asked “do you need any help?” I love him for that. He knows he can do nothing to help, but he cares enough to ask anyway.

Sam is fun. There is no one in this world as fun as Sam. His little brother can’t wait to burst into Sam’s room in the morning yelling “wake up Sam” because he knows the fun is about to begin. Life with Sam is never boring. His friends think he’s great; his brother, sister, cousins, all love to play with him. He is vibrant, full of life, energetic, imaginative and extremely creative. Sam doesn’t need any toys because his imagination is more exciting than anything that can be created from plastic or wood.

Sam is cuddly. He doesn’t get as many cuddles as he should. But I love the fact that at 12 years old he still wants to cuddle me. I love his cuddles, they make me feel special, loved. I hope he never stops hugging me. I love him so much. I want to hug him more than I do. I must make more time.

Sam is thoughtful. From such a young age I could see how deeply he thought, and felt, about things. He does precious things for the people he cares about. And is never selfish. He gives up a lot of his time for his little brother, to play with him, bond with him and make his life happier. For that I love him to bits.

Sam brings happiness, energy, vibrance, meaning, to this family. Without him life would be far duller, far sadder. He is an air head. He forgets everything I tell him and messes everything up. But I love this about him too. It is because he is so passionately involved in the moment, in what he is doing or dreaming about, that he goes around in a haze. Although I’m always having to tell him he’s forgotten things, I still love this about him. It is a rare gift to be this way. He is so lucky. That he can forget all the boring mundane things in life and enjoy the precious important things, is a precious thing, and I love him for that too.

I wish I could be a better Mum for Sam. He deserves the best Mum on the planet, and I am always trying to do better. I am just human and I make so many mistakes. But no matter what, I love him from the very depths of my heart, and always will, and I hope he knows this and feels it. I would do anything for him. I want to protect him, guide him, gently lead him through life. And sometimes he thinks I am hard and unrelenting on him, but one day I hope he will see that this is because I care so much for him and want the very best for his future. I could be an easy Mum that lets him get away with anything, but then his beautiful precious character would be spoilt like so many other children. As much as it hurts me to be hard sometimes, I do it only because I care so much for him.

I love my baby Sam, my firstborn son, my angel, my precious gift from God, the most vibrant caring boy on the planet.

Toe saga continued

It's Monday morning and I've done almost nothing for over 2 weeks now. Yes, it's been two weeks already since I broke my toes and it has proven to be quite a disability! I have been practically useless in every way. Poor Dan has had to do absolutely everything and is looking more than a little worn out. I still have a swelling the size of a golf ball on my bottom, and my foot is looking nastier every day! I have had to take the toe straps off because all of my toes went bright red, inflamed and extremely itchy at the weekend. This itch continued up across the front of my foot. Since it was the weekend the doctors weren't open, so Dan went to the chemist and they have given me some E45 cream, but I'm pretty sure that it's not treating the problem, just reducing the itch. Tomorrow I have a follow up appointment at A&E to see if the bone is healing correctly, so I will no doubt get some advice on the itching and the golf ball swelling while I am there. But the middle toe which was completely snapped is still bent to the left and has a large hard lump on it, which I presume is the bone. I do have some minor movement back in my toes. I can just about twitch them, just a millimetre or two, but it's promising. The biggest problem to me at the moment is standing. I can now get about on just one crutch (unless stairs or steps are involved) but I can't stand for longer than a few minutes as I start getting pins and needles, and shooting pains up my leg. Two weeks of doing nothing has played its tole on my body. I feel like I need to go on a huge detox and health mission, to be honest. I have done absolutely no exercise and as a result have water retention, lack of energy, bad sleep and I've probably put on a ton of weight. Ho hum.

On a good note... erm, oh hold on, I actually can't think of a good note to share with you all. Today I am trying to get back into the swing of things, very slowly, to make life a bit easier for Dan. Wish me luck!

Tinkhani Update - and a little general health update about me too!

I was delighted to receive a letter from Tinkhani this week saying that for the first time since he's been in prison he has put on weight. One month after received the money donated by some of my generous blog readers, he has put on 3kg in weight. He is completely delighted, needless to say, and so am I. He has asked me tell you all this good news.

He has also informed me that the Zambian government are re-writing their rules regarding prison sentences. A lot of prisoner have been freed or had their sentences reduced. Tinkhani is hoping that he will no longer face the death penalty and has asked that we all keep this in our prayers and thoughts for him and the other handful of prisoners who are facing death for robbery. Hopefully he will have great news for me in his next letter.

He has sent me some handmade wooden pens, each with a name inscribed into it. There is one for each person that donated money for him. I will have to forward these on to you all individually. There is also one for Tammy who sent him a lovely Christmas card. Tammy if you email me your address I can post it on to you. I will be gathering some more money to send sometime soon, so if anyone wants to donate you can contact me at cleopatrani@hotmail.co.uk

I'm still on crutches at the moment but can just about get by on one crutch now. Although I can't over do it. I went to the doctors today and she seems to think that my middle toe is permanently damaged and will probably be paralyzed. I guess I should be bothered, but I just laughed. It all seems so silly to me. All this fuss over some toes. She also told me that she had received a letter about my jugular artery scan. It seems that they did find something after all, despite waiting almost 3 months for my result appointment. They found a curve in my jugular artery. My appointment to discuss this isnt until the end of August. However the curve is on the left side of my neck, and the noise is in my right ear, so the doctor seems think that this may not explain the problem, although from the letter the consultant seems to think it does. So I guess I have to wait and see. It's a good job I'm so patient eh? :)

A present to me

He he, here it is. Finally, after years of thinking about it, I got a tattoo. Now don't freak out everyone. Its very pretty, and its on my lower back, so I will still make a fab bridesmaid.

I've been thinking about getting it for some time. It took me a while to find exactly what I wanted. This is a tribal eagle. The eagle represents freedom and liberty. This tattoo is extremely important to me and is a way to celebrate my freedom of choice and liberty. Anyone who really knows me will know what I'm talking about.

I went to a fab tattoo parlour in Newry, called Wild Child, with an excellent reputation. I was just going to talk to them. I got the drawing of what I wanted out of my bag, and the next thing I new they had scanned it, made it into a transfer and were ready to put it onto my back! So I figured, why not, get it done while I'm on strong painkillers anyway. LOL. It took an hour and half. Having the outline drawn was nothing short of agony. Filling the ink in wasn't quite so bad, but my arms were shaking the whole way through from coping. My lower back is very sensitive anyway. It doesn't feel too bad now, just a bit like sun burn.

Silly, silly me

Yes, I'm a silly moo.

I went and fell down the stairs (again) and broke my foot! We had a friend round at the time, just to make it more embarrassing. I was walking down stairs and my foot slipped off the edge of a step and I fell about 6 steps down to the bottom. I hurt my butt and arm landing on them. Then fell down and landed on my own foot, on the wooden floor at the bottom of the stairs.

It wasn't until the next morning that Dan noticed my middle toe was pointing in the wrong direction, and I said "well, yes, it was very sore every time the duvet touched it during the night".

So Dan took me to the hospital and left me there with our friend Jack, who agreed to help me in and out of the place while Dan picked the kids up from Jennys house (another story). The nurse came in with the xray photo and kindly showed me that my toes were broken. LOL. The middle toe of my left foot had completely snapped in two, hence the funny direction it was sticking in. (I, stupidly, had thought it was dislocated and had got Dan to pull it to try and slip it back into place! Yes, it hurt immensely!)

The pain of having my toes straightened and tied together was excruciating, to say the least. And Jack turned a delightful shade of grey at the time. I am now sporting a new pair of crutches which I have to use for 6 weeks, and the biggest purple bottom bruise ever seen.

Jimmies 12th Birthday

At last, a photo from Jimmies 12th birthday. Here he is playing the new electric guitar that we bought him. He has been practicing it every day since and it seems to have spurred him on with learning the guitar. He looks so grown up with it.

The Golden Camel Award Photos

So I am finally getting around to posting some photos from the Golden Camel Awards. You can see the full set by clicking here. But here are a few for the blog.

Here is Mum and I in our beginners dance costumes. We joined in with the beginners dance to help them out because they are so few in number.



This is the beginner dance on stage. I was standing right under the main light so I look as white as a ghost. LOL. Mum is at the back left, and I am in the middle.





Mum and I in our gypsy fan dance costumes, posing on stage under the spotlight. I think we both look pretty goodin this one!





And lastly, here we are in the sagats dance. Mum in the back left and me in the front left. This time we were able to dance to music! Thank goodness. It all went very well.

Finding it hard to blog

What with working and all I have hardly been able to find time to do so many of the things I previously enjoyed doing. One of which is blogging. But as always, life has been extremely busy, never a dull moment.

Jimmie had his 12th birthday and I had intended to do a post about his life, with photos through the years, as I had done with Annabelle in November. But I just haven't had time. He had a quiet birthday this year, with money being tight. However, we did get him the red electric guitar that he had been hoping for. He has barely put the thing down since he got it, and I can see that the purchase of some headphones might well be in order.

The kids are all off on summer holidays now, which would be nice if we were having a summer. As it is, it hasn't stopped raining for weeks. Literally, day and night, almost 24 hours a day, rain, rain, rain. I hear that it is the same all across Europe. Belfast has had monsoons and flooding. Half of the UK seems to be under water. I'm getting the feeling that the melted polar ice caps are raining down on us.

Last weekend we had our big belly dance show, the Golden Camel Awards. I have some photos to put on my blog from it, but they are on the pc at home and I am currently on the lap top at work. It went really well. All the music came on this time so we got to dance our sagats dance with music this time, thank goodness. I had a great evening. It was a shame I couldn't go to the after show party though because we had to get the kids back home. I will write a separate post with photos sometime soon.

Well that's about all I have time to write at the moment. But I'm off work for a few days from tomorrow, so I will be back, and armed with photos.