Still broken footed and deaf

Grrr, this morning I had my 6 week review at the hospital, for my broken toes. I got there at 8.30am and was taken in for an x-ray. Then I stood (no seats left) for about 40 minutes and waited to be seen. My foot is still sore, but I'm not on crutches any more. It hurts if I stand too long, or if I knock my toes at all, but I expected them to tell my it was all fine and send me on my way home. To my surprise everything is not fine. Two of my toes are still broken. The doctor thought the x-ray he was looking at was my original one taken 6 weeks ago, but no it was today's x-ray. That explains why its still sore then. He said there is some mild improvement, but they are healing very slowly (I wonder if I did re-break them that time I stabbed my foot against the coffee table?) They are going to see me again in 8 weeks, but he warned me that it looks like they may not heal. I don't know if that means I will have two dead broken toes for the rest of my life, or if they will try to fix them. He has warned me against any belly dancing and told me to stop banging them against things. Easier said than done when you have feet like flippers. I nearly wet myself laughing when I told the doctor that I wanted to carry on belly dancing. He looked me up and down and seemed rather amused, till I realised he thought I'd said ballet dancing. Whahaha. Anyway, he said absolutely no belly dancing. I didn't tell him about the dance session I'd had in the kitchen yesterday to the tunes of Metallica, hehe.

Oh yes, I just remembered, I forgot to tell you about the appointment I had last week about my ears and the pulsatile tinnitus. You remember I had a scan on my neck some months back? Well, I finally had an appointment with the ENT consultant regarding that. The carotid artery in my neck is rather deformed and they seem sure that this is creating a kind of back lash of blood which is making a lot of noise, which is audible to me. They were most delighted to have found a cause for my symptoms, as most people never find out what is causing it. I thought the consultant was going to do a little dance of joy at one moment. Anyway, they could operate to fix the artery, but, the operation is so extremely risky that they would really only consider it if the tinnitus noises were making me suicidal (which they aren't, but I hear that can happen to some people). They are putting me in touch with a therapist who is supposed to be on call to counsel me when the noises are just too bad. I highly doubt I will ever avail of those services. But, I have an appointment next week at the hearing aid department. Yes, that's right, hearing aid. They want to try to fit this special hearing aid that emits a sound into the ear. The sound is at a pitch that works with the sound I'm already hearing. The theory is that the two noises cancel each other out, or that my ear is retrained to hear differently. It all sounds like utter nonsense to me, but hey, I may as well give it a try. It will be interesting if nothing else. On the positive side, I'm also getting a special pillow with inbuilt speakers that plug into an mp3 or cd player. Now this sounds cool. A musical pillow. The idea is that the speakers are audible to the person sleeping on them, but not the person next to you. The only problem will be chosing music that helps me sleep, rather than the heavy metal stuff I mostly listen to.

Boys, you gotta love em

Photo Update

Well, I haven't added any photos for some time so I thought I'd pop a few on whilst I'm sitting here unable to sleep. I've got loads to blog about. I just need to find some spare minutes.

Daddy & Barney looking cool. Barney loves to take walks in the graveyard behind our house. Barney finds a huge brand new shiny tractor.

Tea towel boy at Aunty Hannahs house. Barney has taken to building lots of towers with his blocks. Jimmie and his first girlfriend. Awwwwwww. Annabelle and Barney in matching Thailand outfits from nanny. Cute.

Battle Of The Wills

Barney is an unusual child. Everyone who knows him knows he is extremely exhausting and very hard work. He's a beautiful child, but boy does he ware me out.

At the moment we are having a battle of the wills. There are certain issues with Barneys behaviour that I am trying to resolve, or develop or balance out. But at the moment it feels like banging my head against a brick wall. For instance, trying to teach him that he can not hit or kick his brothers and sisters if they wont do what he asks, or that he is not allowed to slam doors when he is having a tantrum, or that he has to sit at the table with the family at dinner time, all seem impossible to overcome. His older brother and sister were never this difficult. But he is a different child. He talks incessantly. Every waking moment he talks, non stop. I have tried to tell him that its time for some quiet time now before Mummy goes insane. But then he constantly asks why he cant talk, or can he talk yet, "but I want to talk", "but Mummy", and on and on it goes, a battle of the wills.

Jimmie and Annabelle always had a natural understanding that their parents were in charge. If I bought them some sweets and said "these are for after dinner tonight" they would have been delighted and looked forward to them. If I do the same thing with Barney he would immediately have a tantrum and be completely unable to cope with the fact that he had to wait. A whole day would be spent telling him "no, you can't have them till after dinner". It makes life miserable. If I had told Annabelle or Jimmie at that age that they had to put their toys away, or take a bath, or put their shoes on to go to the shops, they would have done it, as asked. Barney constantly questions and challenges everything. He will say "no", and argue for hours. He never ever gives in.

Right now he is downstairs at the table on his own. I told him he had to try his mushy peas as they were his only vegetable with today's meal. He simply would not taste them. It ended up as a screaming match with him saying he'd rather go to bed than try them. I have left him at the table and told him not to come up until they are all gone (literally two spoonfuls), yet he has found about 8 excuses to come up already, even though he knows he will be in big trouble. His siblings would have sat there, albeit miserably, until they were gone. They never would have dreamed of questioning my authority on the matter.

This child is trying me to very ends of my patience. There are days I just want to pack a bag and never come back. But I love him to bits. He is adorable, affectionate, smart, and completely unique. I can't put into words what he is like, but there is something different about him, something challenging. I just don't know how to help him. There is something in his understanding that makes treating him like a normal 3 year old nearly impossible. I wish I had the words to explain it.

Anais Nin

There were always in me, two women at least,

one woman desperate and bewildered,

who felt she was drowning and another who

would leap into a scene, as upon a stage,

conceal her true emotions because they

were weaknesses, helplessness, despair,

and present to the world only a smile,

an eagerness, curiosity, enthusiasm, interest.

Anais Nin, 1903-1977

What I love about Sam

Sam is one of the most beautiful people on this planet, in so many ways. The fact that he is alive makes this planet a whole better place. From the day he was born we all knew he was going to be a charmer. He has always been one of the friendliest, most easy going people I’ve ever known.

Of course, he’s my son, so I will love him to bits, naturally. But I love the person he is, and the person he is becoming for many more reasons than simply because he is my son. Beautiful is not a strong enough word to describe him. And the love I feel for him can not be put into words either.

Sam is caring. Every time I have tried to walk down the stairs on crutches since I broke my feet 3 weeks ago, he has asked “do you need any help?” I love him for that. He knows he can do nothing to help, but he cares enough to ask anyway.

Sam is fun. There is no one in this world as fun as Sam. His little brother can’t wait to burst into Sam’s room in the morning yelling “wake up Sam” because he knows the fun is about to begin. Life with Sam is never boring. His friends think he’s great; his brother, sister, cousins, all love to play with him. He is vibrant, full of life, energetic, imaginative and extremely creative. Sam doesn’t need any toys because his imagination is more exciting than anything that can be created from plastic or wood.

Sam is cuddly. He doesn’t get as many cuddles as he should. But I love the fact that at 12 years old he still wants to cuddle me. I love his cuddles, they make me feel special, loved. I hope he never stops hugging me. I love him so much. I want to hug him more than I do. I must make more time.

Sam is thoughtful. From such a young age I could see how deeply he thought, and felt, about things. He does precious things for the people he cares about. And is never selfish. He gives up a lot of his time for his little brother, to play with him, bond with him and make his life happier. For that I love him to bits.

Sam brings happiness, energy, vibrance, meaning, to this family. Without him life would be far duller, far sadder. He is an air head. He forgets everything I tell him and messes everything up. But I love this about him too. It is because he is so passionately involved in the moment, in what he is doing or dreaming about, that he goes around in a haze. Although I’m always having to tell him he’s forgotten things, I still love this about him. It is a rare gift to be this way. He is so lucky. That he can forget all the boring mundane things in life and enjoy the precious important things, is a precious thing, and I love him for that too.

I wish I could be a better Mum for Sam. He deserves the best Mum on the planet, and I am always trying to do better. I am just human and I make so many mistakes. But no matter what, I love him from the very depths of my heart, and always will, and I hope he knows this and feels it. I would do anything for him. I want to protect him, guide him, gently lead him through life. And sometimes he thinks I am hard and unrelenting on him, but one day I hope he will see that this is because I care so much for him and want the very best for his future. I could be an easy Mum that lets him get away with anything, but then his beautiful precious character would be spoilt like so many other children. As much as it hurts me to be hard sometimes, I do it only because I care so much for him.

I love my baby Sam, my firstborn son, my angel, my precious gift from God, the most vibrant caring boy on the planet.