I do find rejection hard. But being rejected by someone that is deeply cared for is not just hard, it's sad, frustrating, agonizing and just very difficult. I've been rejected by people many times throughout my life, for varying reasons - some my fault and others not. When we left the fellowship that I'd attended all my life I was shunned and rejected by the people that we left behind. But I was expecting that. They should know better, but they don't. I've been rejected at work many times, and by past friends and family. I'm not very good at putting up with people if I can see that they don't really like or respect me. I'd rather just let them be and get on with my own life.
The last few weeks I have been very down though. A very special friend who I cared for deeply decided to reject my friendship, and without any explanation as to why. I have been left very hurt and upset, and totally confused. I hate not knowing why things happen, it's so hard to have closure that way. I purposely kept away from blog writing for a few weeks because I knew that if I started to write about it, I'd get totally carried away and use it as a form of therapy that I might later regret.
I am getting over that sadness now, although it will never completely leave. After the sadness I was angry, so angry, and I literally did not eat for 2 weeks. It was almost as if someone had died in my life. I was in mourning: grieving. I have always been guilty of wearing my heart on my sleeve: letting people too deeply into my thoughts and feelings, and sharing too much of my love. I always welcome people into our family home, show them hospitality, treat them as a member of the family. I expect people to be the same, to be honest, and not selfish. The older I get, and the more I journey through life, the more I see that people will always let you down. With each heartache, hurt or rejection, it becomes harder to let people into my life. I start to feel that I shouldn't let people get close to me and my precious family, in case they take advantage of us and cause more pain. My heart is getting hard and losing faith in people.
Today was Dan's birthday and he had asked for a certain Radiohead DVD. After all the discussions we have had about why our friend has shunned us in this way, he opened up the DVD cover and said 'darling, you should read this'.
So here are Radioheads thoughts on rejection. It's amazing how a rock band DVD has caused me to sit and think. Maybe it's not all my fault. Maybe I'm not a terrible person. I have to start trying to believe that, although my confidence and self esteem are shot to pieces, and I find it hard. I guess it will just take time.
"If you have been rejected many times in your life, then one more rejection isn't going to make much difference. If you're rejected, don't automatically assume it's your fault. The other person may have several reasons for not doing what you are asking them to do: none of it may have anything to do with you. Perhaps the person is busy, or not feeling well, or genuinely not interested in spending time with you. Rejections are part of everyday life. Don't let them bother you. Keep reaching out to others. Keep reaching out to others. When you begin to receive positive responses then you are on the right track. It's all a matter of numbers. Count the positive responses and forget about the rejections."