Before I write a blog post about Christmas I want to write one in more detail about Emily's birth, mostly for my own memories. The last one I wrote was so brief as I was rushed. I want to get it all down on here so that I can read over it in years to come.

Emily's birth didn't really go to plan. I'd had three natural births but was booked in for a caesarean section this time. In an ideal world I would have preferred a home birth, or a water birth, but my main concern was that both baby and I would survive the birth intact, with minimal damage. I was quite upbeat about the idea of the C-section. I didn't feel that I was missing out on much by not pushing her into the world myself, but I really wanted to be awake for her birth and to enjoy her first precious moments.

After an 8 hour wait I was taken into the theatre. It was a daunting place, so huge, so white and sparkling clean, so full of scary equipment with a table in the middle for me to lie on. It was odd to just walk into the operating theatre as a perfectly healthy person and to lay myself down on the operating table. Buzzing around me was the anesthetist, his assistant, and a few midwives. The anesthetist was a lovely friendly man who had already talked me through the procedure and all the risks involved. It was agreed that I would have a spinal block, which is similar to an epidural in that it numbs the body. Whilst I sat on the operating table waiting for the anesthetist who was opening hundreds of packets and laying equipment out neatly on trays, a midwife chatted away to me in an attempt to keep me calm and to distract me from the goings on.

Eventually they were ready to start the spinal. I sat on the edge of the table with my feet resting on a chair. They gave me a pillow to hug and I had to curl up around the pillow to arch my back, which is not an easy task when one has a baby in ones belly! The anesthetist kept trying to get me to curl further, to open up the vertebrae in my spine, and the assistant in front kept trying to lower my shoulders until I could get into the perfect position. It wasn't easy and it wasn't comfy. Once I was ready they put an injection into my back to numb it slightly, and then I had to sit very still whilst they passed a needle through to my spine. It was a strange sensation. I could hear popping and feel pushing. As soon as the spinal was in they quickly got me lying down, before my legs went numb.

I lay on the table with a sensation of pins and needles starting in my feet and spreading up my legs. My legs went numb pretty quickly. Then the anesthetist spent 20 minutes rotating and tilting the operating table to get the spinal to spread evenly across my body. He kept running ice along my stomach and asking if I could feel the coldness. I could feel no cold, just a touching sensation. Eventually they said they were ready to start the operation, and a midwife put up a screen around my chest so that I couldn't see what was going on. Another midwife said she would go and fetch Dan so that he could be with me to watch the birth.

At this point a surgeon turned up. I don't know who he was and had never met him before. He just winked at me with a scalpel in his hand! He started pinching my stomach and I told him I could still feel it. They seemed somewhat surprised and tried to convince me that I couldn't feel it. But I could. So the anesthetist said they'd make the first cut and see how it went. Right then I felt a scalpel draw a 7 inch long line across my stomach and felt the skin parting! I told them I could feel it and so they told me the spinal hadn't worked and I'd need to be put to sleep for the procedure. I was upset for Dan more than anything because I knew he wanted to be with me. A midwife went off to tell him that I was having a general anesthetic and he was taken to a room to wait for his baby.

Immediately someone was injecting something into my arm, and the anesthetist was holding a mask over my face. He held my head down whilst someone held my neck, then held the mask over my face and I started panicking because I felt so terribly claustrophobic. I told him that I couldn't breath, and he replied that I must be breathing because the balloon was going in and out. But what I meant was that I wasn't getting any oxygen, as I was hyperventilating. It's a good job that I fell asleep at this point because I was about to have a claustrophobic panic attack! The last thing I said before being put to sleep was "make sure you give the baby straight to my husband!" And I heard a "yes dear".

A few minutes later my baby girl was born, and I knew nothing about it whatsoever. Apparently she weighed 7lb 8oz and was healthy. I don't know if she cried, or what she looked like. I don't know how soon it was before they gave her to Dan. He was left alone in a room pacing back and forward. He says he walked the carpet bare waiting for news. A midwife came to tell him that he had a healthy daughter and he asked when he could see her. A few minutes later he saw another midwife and asked the same question. Then he heard two midwives saying "we better get that baby down to that Father pretty quickly". They brought her into him, wrapped in a towel, and left them together for an hour whilst I was stitched up.

The next thing I remember was the annoyance of being woken from a deep sleep. I was in the recovery room, but thought I was at home in bed. I remember hearing the voice of the anesthetist who was leaving now that I was waking, then I heard people calling my name and telling me to wake up. But I didn't open my eyes until I head Dan's voice saying "she's so beautiful honey, wake up and see how beautiful she is". Then I remembered that I was in hospital having a baby! I opened my eyes long enough to see that Dan was holding a baby girl wrapped in a towel down by my face. She was crying a little bit and didn't like being held at that angle, so he lifted her back up. A few minutes later I started to come round properly and although I had an oxygen mask on my face I was calling out "where's my baby? I want to see my baby? Is she ok? Is she healthy? What did she weigh?" Dan assured me she was healthy and lay her down beside me. She was beautiful.

After a while I was able to feed her, and then my sister turned up with Annabelle, Jimmie and Barney. They big kids had a little cuddle before heading back home for the night. Then eventually, hours later, I was taken up to the maternity ward.

It wasn't really until I got home that I started to feel a bit sad about missing the birth of my baby girl. Most of the time it doesn't bother me. But if I'm alone in the dark at night, feeding her, I start to wonder what it was like... what she looked like etc. I start to feel really sad about missing out on that experience. It's something I can never get back. I am glad that she is healthy, but I still feel like we missed something special.

She is too weeks old now and I have to say that she is the most content, happy baby I have ever met. She rarely cries. All she does is sleep, feed, and poop! She's just an adorable, happy, good natured little thing. And totally adorable too. Her big brothers and sister love her to bits, and theres always a queue for someone to cuddle her. She's very lucky to be born into a family with so many people to love and cherish her.