Hama Bead Madness

The last few weeks Barney has had a passion for Hama beading. I mean, a real passion, and its costing me a small fortune. These Hama beads are £30 a box, and we have almost finished our second box. But he loves doing them so much and I guess they are educational, so I'm letting him get on with it.

Here are half of Barneys recent Hama bead makings....

And here are a few photos from last night. We have now employed the services of a babysitter one night a week. It is just sooooooo good to be able to get out of the house without the kids for a bit. Last night Steve took me to a restaurant where I duly set fire to my top on a table candle!!

Happy 4th Birthday Barney!

It's so hard to believe how time has flown and my precious baby boy is now already 4 years old.

Yesterday was Barny's 4th birthday. He has been counting the days for 16 days and was ever so excited, as any 4 year old boy would be. We all sat on my bed in the morning while he opened his presents, which is what we always do. I love watching the delight on little children's faces when they open presents. We gave him his first ever bike, a bubble blowing machine and a few other things. Then at 2pm his Aunties, Uncles, nieces, and Nanny came round for a little celebration. He had a lovely day, was spoilt rotten, and went to bed totally shattered. Here are some photos....

Dont forget, you can click on the photos to see the full size versions.

Pulsatile Tinnitus Forum

Wow, I have found a forum for people who suffer from tinnitus, and I left a post about pulsatile tinnitus. I got many repsonses and I thought I'd post a few of them on here. People really can't understand what this condition is like, but reading how people live with it might help people sympathise. It wsa good for me to see that I'm not alone....

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I have been suffering from pulsatile tinnitus for about 9 months - left ear only. I used to mainly hear it at night lying in a certain position. I now in the past month have started to hear it more during the day. Often it is made worse by certain head movements and sounds like a whooshing noise when I bend over. I have been to my GP 3 times and also went to casualty as I thought I was having a heart attack. Casualty carried out ECG and listened to carotid arteries and said everything was normal. GP listened to carotid arteries, said everything was normaal, they also took my blood pressure which was slighly below normal. GP's have made me feel foolish, but I am concerned about what is causing this noise. I had to insist on a referral to ENT, which I am having to pay for privately. My ENT appointment is on Tuesday 9/10/07 - what should I expect from this. What are the best questions to ask.Grateful for some advice

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I have pulsatile Tinnitus it is more a problem at night it keeps awake and I have trouble sleeping. During the day I feel dizzy all the time and I have to make sure somebody is with me. I have stopped going out as at night time is worse and if I do the noises stay with me and they are still there in the morning. I feel sometimes that nobody knows how you feel. I think that GP`s have no understanding of the condition. I would like any advice or help from anyone as I am at my wits end and dont know how to carry on with a normal life.

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Yes I unfortunatley suffer from pulsatile tinnitus. Last year I thought I was going nuts with this constant thumping in my head and the doctor told me it was migrane. I phoned my ENT and made an appointment last November and I was told I had pulsatile tinnitus but there is nothing you can do. I was really struggling (still am) and was given an appointment in July. II was taking panic attacks with it but I joined this forum about a month ago and have taken great comfort from it. I to don't know anyone with the pulsatile tinnitus and felt I was totally alone. I have started talking about it more and my work are very supportive.

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I got through another day and after having had a decent night's sleep, I had a few hours wher I was so engaged in what was going on around me that I almost forgot about it. I took a walk and listened around the T to hear the birds and all the little delicious sounds I hold so dear. It was a precious moment.

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Yes I also get the neck pain and back of my head. Sometimes I feel as if my head is going to burst. I often feel dizzy and sick particulary when it is bad and need to just sit for a while until it passes. It has affected my quality of life, I even panic sometimes when I have to go out alone but now that I know what it is I feel slightly stronger in order to manage it

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Pulsatile tinnitus is a big problem for me. There are many nights the sounds are so loud, and my head is so painful, that I feel like putting a bullet into my ear, or scraping my ear drums out with a screwdriver.

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Tinnitus

The noise that never stops...

Two weeks ago I had a meeting at the local hospital with the Tinnitus Management team. It was great to finally talk to someone who was sympathetic to the suffering of pulastile tinnitus. And who also knew the difference between pulsatile tinnitus and regular tinnitus. We talked for an hour and I was given lots of advice. They gave me a special pillow speaker, but I still need to purchase some sort of relaxation CDs to play with it. The CD's I have are not really conducive to a good nights sleep. They have also order me a special masking hearing aid which I will get in about 4 weeks time. The idea is that it plays white noise into the ear, at a pitch that masks the sounds of my gushing blood and heartbeat. I think it supposed to train the ear to mask our internal body sounds or something. I'm not sure if it will work, but to be honest, if I can listen to white noise instead of blood noises for a while then it will be a pleasant change. I'll let you all know how I get on with that.

From the day after my appointment I have been suffering miserably with the tinnitus. It is always there, 24 hours a day, but at times it gets worse. They tell me its stress that causes it, but I can't see that pattern in mine to be honest. But now, for over a week, I have been miserable with it. The gushing sounds are louder than ever. I can't sleep, can't concentrate, can't have a conversation without struggling to stay on track. And whenever the tinnitus is bad like this, I get awful headaches, pain in the back of my neck, and pains in my chest. Whether these pains come from the lack of sleep, or are caused by the blood flow problem in my arteries, I have no idea.

I joined a forum for Tinnitus sufferers on the RNID website. There I have met other people who also have the pulsatile form of the condition. It's been good to see how others cope with it. This week I have really come to understand why people get so depressed suffering with this. I have been constantly miserable. I am unable to lead a normal life when its this bad. At night I just want to claw ouy my ear drum with a screwdriver, and I have now come to understand why the tinnitus management team talked so much about suicide and depression. On the RNID website I found a link to this real player sound clip. I urge anyone reading this to listen to it. It plays many of the sounds of tinnitus, so that non tinnitus sufferers can understand better what it is like to live with the sound that never stops. You can listen to it by clicking here. Also, worth watching is a youtube video which tries to show what life is like for tinnitus sufferers.

Spot the mini Bree

Can you spot mini me? LOL. I found this photo of my class on facebook. This is the equivalent of P3. I presume we were 7 or 8 years old here. I think. Can you find me? I havent changed all that much.

Third from the left in the front row.

Barney is almost 4

I just adore these two photos that Dan took last week while I was in England (blog post to follow about that soon). Barney will be 4 years old next month. He has decided this week that he wants to be educated at home and has sat me down for daily 'lessons'! He asked me to teach him how to write. So we practiced writing his name. He can now write the L perfectly, and sometimes upside down. This week he developed an interest in the hama beads that have been on his shelf for months. He made so many patterns, entirely on his own, that I had to reorder some more beads as he ran out. This week he has spent every day in the garden collecting spiders in one of my tupperware pots. Today he sold me 3 for £50 !! I still owe him £49.95 of that £50 but with the 5p I gave him he went into the corner shop on his own, queued up on his own and bought and paid for a packet of 5p crisps. He was adamant that he could do it without me, and I heard him chatting away to various customers as well as the shop keeper. Telling them how he earned his crisps by selling spiders. He he. Life is lovely with my Barney.

Back to normality?

Jimmie and Annabelle have gone back to school and life is returning back to it's normal routine again. Except that tomorrow I'm flying to England to visit some old school friends for a few days. I'm sooooo over excited about it. I've been putting off booking it until I could walk again, and somewhere along the line I lost my motivation for it. But now that I've spoken to a few friends who seem very excited to see me again, I've gained some enthusiasm back and can't wait to go now.

Barney is adamant that he wants to start a play group so I am going to have to look into that today. He reminds me every morning about it. I didn't sign him up for nursery school this year so he just stays at home with me at the moment.

Last week I took them all for a walk round Hillsborough Lake. We didn't walk very far due to my foot still healing and it being the first time I'd walked anywhere. Dan also took them to the Aquarium for a trip. We feel as if they had a rather dull summer as I was on crutches and unable to take them anywhere. Here are some photos from those two trips....

Three pics from Hillsborough Lake. Jimmi and Annabelle make a see-saw. The kids are treated to an ice cream (btw I think the pic at the top of Banrey covered in ice cream is just adorable).

A silhouette of them all playing by the lake. These pics were all taken on my phone, hence the less than perfect quality.

And here are some from the Aquarium...

Still broken footed and deaf

Grrr, this morning I had my 6 week review at the hospital, for my broken toes. I got there at 8.30am and was taken in for an x-ray. Then I stood (no seats left) for about 40 minutes and waited to be seen. My foot is still sore, but I'm not on crutches any more. It hurts if I stand too long, or if I knock my toes at all, but I expected them to tell my it was all fine and send me on my way home. To my surprise everything is not fine. Two of my toes are still broken. The doctor thought the x-ray he was looking at was my original one taken 6 weeks ago, but no it was today's x-ray. That explains why its still sore then. He said there is some mild improvement, but they are healing very slowly (I wonder if I did re-break them that time I stabbed my foot against the coffee table?) They are going to see me again in 8 weeks, but he warned me that it looks like they may not heal. I don't know if that means I will have two dead broken toes for the rest of my life, or if they will try to fix them. He has warned me against any belly dancing and told me to stop banging them against things. Easier said than done when you have feet like flippers. I nearly wet myself laughing when I told the doctor that I wanted to carry on belly dancing. He looked me up and down and seemed rather amused, till I realised he thought I'd said ballet dancing. Whahaha. Anyway, he said absolutely no belly dancing. I didn't tell him about the dance session I'd had in the kitchen yesterday to the tunes of Metallica, hehe.

Oh yes, I just remembered, I forgot to tell you about the appointment I had last week about my ears and the pulsatile tinnitus. You remember I had a scan on my neck some months back? Well, I finally had an appointment with the ENT consultant regarding that. The carotid artery in my neck is rather deformed and they seem sure that this is creating a kind of back lash of blood which is making a lot of noise, which is audible to me. They were most delighted to have found a cause for my symptoms, as most people never find out what is causing it. I thought the consultant was going to do a little dance of joy at one moment. Anyway, they could operate to fix the artery, but, the operation is so extremely risky that they would really only consider it if the tinnitus noises were making me suicidal (which they aren't, but I hear that can happen to some people). They are putting me in touch with a therapist who is supposed to be on call to counsel me when the noises are just too bad. I highly doubt I will ever avail of those services. But, I have an appointment next week at the hearing aid department. Yes, that's right, hearing aid. They want to try to fit this special hearing aid that emits a sound into the ear. The sound is at a pitch that works with the sound I'm already hearing. The theory is that the two noises cancel each other out, or that my ear is retrained to hear differently. It all sounds like utter nonsense to me, but hey, I may as well give it a try. It will be interesting if nothing else. On the positive side, I'm also getting a special pillow with inbuilt speakers that plug into an mp3 or cd player. Now this sounds cool. A musical pillow. The idea is that the speakers are audible to the person sleeping on them, but not the person next to you. The only problem will be chosing music that helps me sleep, rather than the heavy metal stuff I mostly listen to.

Boys, you gotta love em

Photo Update

Well, I haven't added any photos for some time so I thought I'd pop a few on whilst I'm sitting here unable to sleep. I've got loads to blog about. I just need to find some spare minutes.

Daddy & Barney looking cool. Barney loves to take walks in the graveyard behind our house. Barney finds a huge brand new shiny tractor.

Tea towel boy at Aunty Hannahs house. Barney has taken to building lots of towers with his blocks. Jimmie and his first girlfriend. Awwwwwww. Annabelle and Barney in matching Thailand outfits from nanny. Cute.

Battle Of The Wills

Barney is an unusual child. Everyone who knows him knows he is extremely exhausting and very hard work. He's a beautiful child, but boy does he ware me out.

At the moment we are having a battle of the wills. There are certain issues with Barneys behaviour that I am trying to resolve, or develop or balance out. But at the moment it feels like banging my head against a brick wall. For instance, trying to teach him that he can not hit or kick his brothers and sisters if they wont do what he asks, or that he is not allowed to slam doors when he is having a tantrum, or that he has to sit at the table with the family at dinner time, all seem impossible to overcome. His older brother and sister were never this difficult. But he is a different child. He talks incessantly. Every waking moment he talks, non stop. I have tried to tell him that its time for some quiet time now before Mummy goes insane. But then he constantly asks why he cant talk, or can he talk yet, "but I want to talk", "but Mummy", and on and on it goes, a battle of the wills.

Jimmie and Annabelle always had a natural understanding that their parents were in charge. If I bought them some sweets and said "these are for after dinner tonight" they would have been delighted and looked forward to them. If I do the same thing with Barney he would immediately have a tantrum and be completely unable to cope with the fact that he had to wait. A whole day would be spent telling him "no, you can't have them till after dinner". It makes life miserable. If I had told Annabelle or Jimmie at that age that they had to put their toys away, or take a bath, or put their shoes on to go to the shops, they would have done it, as asked. Barney constantly questions and challenges everything. He will say "no", and argue for hours. He never ever gives in.

Right now he is downstairs at the table on his own. I told him he had to try his mushy peas as they were his only vegetable with today's meal. He simply would not taste them. It ended up as a screaming match with him saying he'd rather go to bed than try them. I have left him at the table and told him not to come up until they are all gone (literally two spoonfuls), yet he has found about 8 excuses to come up already, even though he knows he will be in big trouble. His siblings would have sat there, albeit miserably, until they were gone. They never would have dreamed of questioning my authority on the matter.

This child is trying me to very ends of my patience. There are days I just want to pack a bag and never come back. But I love him to bits. He is adorable, affectionate, smart, and completely unique. I can't put into words what he is like, but there is something different about him, something challenging. I just don't know how to help him. There is something in his understanding that makes treating him like a normal 3 year old nearly impossible. I wish I had the words to explain it.

Anais Nin

There were always in me, two women at least,

one woman desperate and bewildered,

who felt she was drowning and another who

would leap into a scene, as upon a stage,

conceal her true emotions because they

were weaknesses, helplessness, despair,

and present to the world only a smile,

an eagerness, curiosity, enthusiasm, interest.

Anais Nin, 1903-1977

What I love about Sam

Sam is one of the most beautiful people on this planet, in so many ways. The fact that he is alive makes this planet a whole better place. From the day he was born we all knew he was going to be a charmer. He has always been one of the friendliest, most easy going people I’ve ever known.

Of course, he’s my son, so I will love him to bits, naturally. But I love the person he is, and the person he is becoming for many more reasons than simply because he is my son. Beautiful is not a strong enough word to describe him. And the love I feel for him can not be put into words either.

Sam is caring. Every time I have tried to walk down the stairs on crutches since I broke my feet 3 weeks ago, he has asked “do you need any help?” I love him for that. He knows he can do nothing to help, but he cares enough to ask anyway.

Sam is fun. There is no one in this world as fun as Sam. His little brother can’t wait to burst into Sam’s room in the morning yelling “wake up Sam” because he knows the fun is about to begin. Life with Sam is never boring. His friends think he’s great; his brother, sister, cousins, all love to play with him. He is vibrant, full of life, energetic, imaginative and extremely creative. Sam doesn’t need any toys because his imagination is more exciting than anything that can be created from plastic or wood.

Sam is cuddly. He doesn’t get as many cuddles as he should. But I love the fact that at 12 years old he still wants to cuddle me. I love his cuddles, they make me feel special, loved. I hope he never stops hugging me. I love him so much. I want to hug him more than I do. I must make more time.

Sam is thoughtful. From such a young age I could see how deeply he thought, and felt, about things. He does precious things for the people he cares about. And is never selfish. He gives up a lot of his time for his little brother, to play with him, bond with him and make his life happier. For that I love him to bits.

Sam brings happiness, energy, vibrance, meaning, to this family. Without him life would be far duller, far sadder. He is an air head. He forgets everything I tell him and messes everything up. But I love this about him too. It is because he is so passionately involved in the moment, in what he is doing or dreaming about, that he goes around in a haze. Although I’m always having to tell him he’s forgotten things, I still love this about him. It is a rare gift to be this way. He is so lucky. That he can forget all the boring mundane things in life and enjoy the precious important things, is a precious thing, and I love him for that too.

I wish I could be a better Mum for Sam. He deserves the best Mum on the planet, and I am always trying to do better. I am just human and I make so many mistakes. But no matter what, I love him from the very depths of my heart, and always will, and I hope he knows this and feels it. I would do anything for him. I want to protect him, guide him, gently lead him through life. And sometimes he thinks I am hard and unrelenting on him, but one day I hope he will see that this is because I care so much for him and want the very best for his future. I could be an easy Mum that lets him get away with anything, but then his beautiful precious character would be spoilt like so many other children. As much as it hurts me to be hard sometimes, I do it only because I care so much for him.

I love my baby Sam, my firstborn son, my angel, my precious gift from God, the most vibrant caring boy on the planet.